Monday, June 21, 2010

More Time

I need more time in the day. Or, I need to do less.

I have it "easy" this summer. I'm only teaching one online class, and there are only 9 students enrolled. But I'm having a difficult time getting everything on my To-Do list done. Between taking care of my son and regular household chores, I've been slacking on the teaching. I do the bare minimum, which just isn't my usual style. I'm trying to be OK with it for now. But I keep thinking that in the fall, I'll be teaching four classes -- 2 on campus, and 2 online. I don't know how I'm going to do it. But I have to.

I did manage to accomplish one 2010 goal over the weekend -- I made mozzarella cheese. I was too engrossed in the process to take photos, unfortunately. Next time, I will. It was a mostly successful effort. The texture was a little off (my milk didn't curd as well as it was supposed to), but the taste was there. It was an easy process, but it's important to pay attention to temperature. I'm going to try it again soon, and will post photos and more details then.

Thursday, June 10, 2010


I've never been very good at finishing projects. I have grand plans, buy supplies, and then...nothing. I've always blamed lack of time, but I'm not sure that's the truth. I think I'm just afraid of failure.

Back in January, I posted a list of things I wanted to do in 2010. I've only accomplished a few of them. The easy ones. Yes, I kind of did something big this year in giving birth, but for once, I want to end a year having crossed everything off of my "things I want to do/change this year" list.

I've decided that I'm going tackle one thing every week. Most of the list (I've added lots of things since January) deals with food. So, one day a week while my mother is here watching the kid, I'm going to work on a project.

Next week's project is cheese. I've wanted to make my own cheese every since reading Animal, Vegetable, Miracle (which I want to re-read soon), and by golly, I'm going to do it. My kit is on the way from Lehman's (oh, how I love that place). All I need to find is a stainless steel pot and I'm set.

I'm in the mood for a list, so here's a list of what I want to learn to do by the end of the year:
* cheese (simple ones at first)
* bagels
* english muffins
* bread other than plain white
* pasta
* pierogi
* can & preserve more
* sew (or crochet?)

There's more, but I'm too lazy to get out of the chair and get my list. But you get the idea.

I'll post results, of course, and I'm hoping that keeps me accountable. I'm tired of never accomplishing anything.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Oh, I had no idea...

Ummmm....hi. Sorry I've been away for so long. I've been hiding.

I've been avoiding writing for the past three months. I tend to do that when I'm going through a rough patch. Not smart, but that's just how I roll.

My son was born on March 12th, and my life is so...different. I thought I had an idea of what motherhood would be like, but I didn't. Not at all. The only part I was right about, I think, was that there would be a baby involved. I didn't know how draining it could be. Or how I could love someone so much that when they smile at me, it feels like my heart will explode with happiness.

Things have certainly eased up a bit compared to the way it was right after his birth. The first two weeks, I slept maybe 2-3 hours per day, didn't eat, and at times felt like I was losing my mind. We've settled into a routine(ish) now, and I'm a little more relaxed. A little. I'm constantly on "high alert," waiting for him to need something. My body almost buzzes waiting for whatever he needs next.

I'm teaching online, which is helpful, but my heart just isn't in it anymore. It just doesn't seem important in the grand scheme of things. More on that later.

The biggest struggle is losing the ability to do what I want when I want. Leaving the house is a production -- extra clothes, diapers, wipes, bottles -- and I feel like a pack mule. There are things I want to do that I just can't do with him. Like go strawberry picking. So, I have to arrange for a sitter (my sister), but I hate feeling like I'm imposing on other people's lives. There have been moments when I've felt chained, trapped, and have been angry that I can't do what I want. It gets frustrating at times that things have to be planned around him. I have to wait until he's napping to do anything. And he doesn't like to nap during the day, so that adds to the frustration. It's not like I want to do anything big -- it's usually that I just want to bake something or work outside. I'm trying not to be so selfish.

My family is wonderful and helps out a lot, and they seem to really enjoy spending time with him. But I hate asking people for help. But I guess I should get used to it.

Now, despite all of the frustration, there are moments when I can't imagine not having him in my life. When I can't imagine not being a mother. He smiles at me, and it is the most amazing feeling I've ever experienced. He'll hold my finger as we cuddle and nap, and there's no other place I'd rather be. I'm scared and excited about our life together. He is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.

With that, it's bottle time.