Tempted...

If I didn't need to focus tonight, I'd take a Xanax. I'm in freak-out mode.

I spoke to my niece earlier, and she asked me if I could come over "for a couples" and play. I told her that I'd love to, but I have to work. She was persistent, asking if I had to work tonight, tomorrow morning, and so on, and I ended up in tears. I would love to just play, and not worry about grading, failing students, or my Exam.

Let me vent for a moment. Here are the things giving me angst:
1. My Exam. All I have to do is study (memorize around 15 poems), and just take the test on Friday. And then defend it sometime next week. I'm terrified of failing.
2. Grading. For some reason, students expect A's, but aren't willing to put forth the effort. And they get angry with me when I give them the grade they earned.
3. Grass. My lawn is at least ankle high. Today is the last sunny day (per the forecast) for about a week. But I don't have time to mow today.
4. I am in physical pain, and I'm going to have to suck it up and call a doctor soon.

OK...my 10 minute break is up.

Withdrawal...

Because I'm insanely busy this week with very important things (end of semester grading, my MA Exam), my husband decided to block certain websites so that I don't get distracted. Sites like MySpace, LiveJournal, Etsy, Ebay, various celebrity gossip sites, racing websites, and so on. They're only unblocked from 9pm-midnight.

It's driving me crazy. Most of my work (writing, prepping, etc) is done on the computer. When I need to relax for a few minutes, or whatever, I look at these sites. They help me (I think) de-stress a little. I like seeing what my friends have posted on their blogs or MySpace pages. I've only been on the computer for an hour this morning, and it's already driving me insane that I have a message waiting for me on MySpace, and I can't read it until 9pm tonight.

But.

I've also been saying for over a year now that I want to simplify, move away from so much technology and time-sucking websites.

So...we'll see.

But not today...

It's time for another half-ass blog...there's just not enough time in the day.

* One of my students may have a serious illness. They kept apologizing to me for missing class and for not being focused. All they can think about is the possible diagnosis and what that will mean for them and their children. I told her not to worry about class, and to do whatever she needs to do. I just feel so sorry for her, and it sucks that there's nothing I can do aside from accept a few late assignments.

*Sunday -- went to dinner with Chad's friends at a Thai restaurant (my 3rd Thai dinner in a week). When we got there, we found that it was (sort of) closed for a birthday party for the owner. They invited us in, though, and we feasted on a fantastic Thai buffet. Most of the foods weren't things normally on the menu, so I got to try a few new things...for free! It was just a surreal experience, and we all felt a little uncomfortable. I guess we're not used to such hospitality. So...happy birthday, Wallace!

*Garden -- I've been spending some time at my parents' working in the garden. I don't really have the time to spare, really, but I have to get stuff planted. I'm going down for a couple of hours soon to put in some more veggies. It's really relaxing, and I can't wait until everything starts growing.

Other than that, I'm just grading, prepping for final lessons, panicking that I haven't taught my students anything, studying for my exam (May 2nd), writing (reviews for Estella), and...trying to stay sane.

Sunday night blahs...

I'm too tired and crabby for a real post, so here are some random things:

• Friday -- Had my usual exam meeting with Dr. E. Dazzled her with my brilliant insights (yes, that's what she called them) on Plath.
  Afterward, I went to my parents' to scope out the garden. Had S'mores with Mom, Dad, and Jamie. Really good times, and I was happy. It was so nice to just relax. I really adore my parents.
  

• Racing -- Last night did not go as planned. Does it ever, though? Didn't qualify in the heat, so had to go to the B. Had a great run, finished 2nd. I was happy that we qualified simply because it meant we'd go home with more than $50 in tow money. In the feature, however, our friend spun, and Jamie, who was behind him, had nowhere to go. Of course, it happened right in front of us -- good because we could at least see right away that Jamie was OK, but bad because...well, it pretty much sucks seeing your car getting wrecked no matter where it happens. We just seem to have the crappiest luck, and it's so frustrating. But I know that Jamie will get a win or two this season. I mean, we have to get a break eventually, right?

• Garden -- My parents have tilled up a huge plot for our garden. I'm really excited. For the past couple of years, I've tried to garden here, but my yard is so shady, and the soil is horrible. I tried container gardening, but I just didn't get the yields I wanted. But this year, I'm doing most of my gardening at my parents'. I have big, big plans involving tons of organic veggies...I can't wait to get started! I really just want to simplify my life, and get to a point where I grow my own food. I've written about all this before -- grand plans of living off the land, sewing my own clothes, etc -- but I've never followed through. I have to start taking baby steps, though...right?
  

OK. I'm going to try to do something productive before I go to bed.

Maybe I should call my Avon representative...

I'm really tired. I've been getting at least 8 hours of sleep every night (well, mostly), but I'm exhausted.

I should be on campus right now, parked in an adjunct cubicle (if one is available. There are about 100 adjuncts at my college, and 2 adjunct cubicles), but I had laundry to do. I'm also supposed to catch our stray cat, Herbie, and take her (I named her before I realized she was a girl) to the vet to get fixed. But vets give me such anxiety (every animal I take ends up dead soon after) that I keep putting it off. Ugh.

My MA Exam is set for May 2nd. The defense will take place sometime the following week. I've had a difficult time staying focused -- too much grading and prep work to do for school, and my dad has been having some medical issues. I really need to buckle down and just get my reading done. There just isn't enough time. And I've been so tired that I can't focus on my reading. Not good.

If I ever become rich, I'm going to hire a personal masseuse or chiropractor. I carry all of my stress in my neck, and it's painful. Also, it usually leads to a migraine. Ugh.

Hmmmm....pretty negative post so far. OK, something positive then. My father is clearing a bit of land for a garden this year. In the past, I've always had to garden half-ass (containers, mostly) here since most of my yard is too shady. But my parents have a great spot that will get sun most of the day. I'd love to get to a point where we're essentially living off of mainly what we grow (for those of you interested in such things, read Animal, Vegetable, Miracle by Barbara Kingsolver). In the end, I really just want to be a farmer, working the land (see Melanie Safka's song "Someday I'll be a farmer).

I'd better start reviewing my notes for class today...and work on grading the stack of papers that has overtaken my dining room table...