Stuff

I've spent the past several years wishing I could do many things, but didn't do them. That's all going to change.

I tend to collect (borderline hoarding, but not in the gross way) things. Books, bags, papers (I will read all of those magazines and scholarly articles someday!), yarn (I have no idea how to knit or crochet), and more. The nursery still isn't ready for my son (he'll be 6 months old soon) because I haven't been able to totally clean out my office. It's been ok so far, since I wanted him to sleep in our room for the first 6 months or so, but it's time for me to be a responsible mom and give him his own space.

I've resolved to get rid of everything before, but it feels different this time. I invested in an e-reader so that I could get rid of all (ok, most) of my books to save room. I've been slowly selling books on half.com, and have made some decent money. I'm either going to finally learn how to knit/crochet, or I'm getting rid of the bins of yarn that I have. I decided this morning that I'm going to have a yard sale in two weeks. Whatever doesn't sell will be donated. I'm tired of living in clutter. It used to comfort me, but now it just makes me feel ashamed. I'm tired of having so much stuff that, in the end, really doesn't make me happy.

A Small Vent from a Woman Trying to Do Too Much

I'm having a day. The kind of day where I just want to crawl back into bed and stay there all day. With chocolate and ice cream, preferably.

My To-Do List is so insanely long that it's overwhelming me. I have help during the day (thanks to my mother), but it never seems to be enough. And there's certainly no time for me to do anything fun on my own. It seems like my every waking moment is spent caring for my son, the house, or my husband. I'm sure that's the case with all (or most) mothers, but it's still a rather lonely feeling.

My fuse is incredibly short lately, and I hate it. I hate snapping at people that I love. I hate constantly feeling on edge. And I hate that there are moments when I find myself not wanting to cuddle the little boy (whom I love more than anything) because I just need a moment to myself and don't want to be touched.

It's not all horrible, really. It's just by the end of the day, I need a break. And I rarely get one. For the first time, I'm looking forward to the start of school so that I can get away two days a week. I hope it all works out.

The Boy just fell asleep, so I should try to get some work done. He typically only naps for 20-30 minutes, so I have to make good use of my time.

The Most Wonderful Time of the Year

I love and hate August.

Things I love about August:
1. County Fairs
2. Racing (see below)
3. My Birthday (the 7th)

Things I hate about August:
Summer is almost over, and school is about to start. Ugh. I am so not ready.

We went to the county fair the other day. My mom and I went with my son, niece, and nephew. It was rather humid out, which made for some misery, but we had a pretty good time. I'll post photos this weekend when I have more time.

Today, my father and I are going to the Battle at the Grove. We've gone for the past few years, and even raced in it. It's great sprint car racing for a fantastic cause. It's just a bonus that I get to see Kasey Kahne (the dude is super small and thin), Kyle Busch (the dude has attitude, but he can race like a mofo), and Tony Stewart (*sigh* the dude is the best driver out there, and super super cute) is just a bonus. And I get to spend the day with my dad, which is always cool.

I'm a little nervous about being 3 hours away from my son, but I definitely need a break!

It's getting better...I think

At least once a day, I resolve to get back to blogging. But something always gets in the way. I blame it on motherhood because that's the easy patsy, but the truth is that what I want to write is way too personal. I'm working my way through it all, but sometimes I feel that if I write about it, it makes it too real. It's not anything horrible by any means, so don't worry.

I think the other issue is that this blog doesn't have a focus. It certainly needs one, though I'm not sure what direction I want it to go in. I need to think about it.

Charlie and I are starting to fall into a routine, which is nice. The kid hates napping, though. It's as if he's afraid he'll miss something if he sleeps. I can almost count on a nap in the morning, but his afternoon nap is anyone's guess. Sometimes it's a couple of hours, and other times, like today, it's non-existent. I'm envious of those mothers who are able to put their kids down for the night at 7 or 8pm. Charlie doesn't go down until at least 11pm. Sometimes he'll sleep in his crib. Other times, he'll only sleep on me, which means I spend the night in the recliner and wake up with a stiff neck. Sure, I'm probably spoiling him, but I know there will come a day when he won't cuddle with me, so I'm soaking it up while I can.

Things will change in September, though, when I'm on campus two days a week. I'm a little nervous about it, but I know it will all work out.

In bookish news, I just finished The Passage by Justin Cronin. I try to avoid hyped-up books, but I kept hearing good things about this book. So, I caved and borrowed the e-book from my library. Sure, there are vampires in it, but they're far from Twilight-type vampires, which was a nice change for me. I'm still processing the book and will type up a proper review, but overall I really enjoyed it. I actually cared about the characters (though at times it felt like there were too many characters I cared about) and the plot kept my interest. More later when I have time.

More Time

I need more time in the day. Or, I need to do less.

I have it "easy" this summer. I'm only teaching one online class, and there are only 9 students enrolled. But I'm having a difficult time getting everything on my To-Do list done. Between taking care of my son and regular household chores, I've been slacking on the teaching. I do the bare minimum, which just isn't my usual style. I'm trying to be OK with it for now. But I keep thinking that in the fall, I'll be teaching four classes -- 2 on campus, and 2 online. I don't know how I'm going to do it. But I have to.

I did manage to accomplish one 2010 goal over the weekend -- I made mozzarella cheese. I was too engrossed in the process to take photos, unfortunately. Next time, I will. It was a mostly successful effort. The texture was a little off (my milk didn't curd as well as it was supposed to), but the taste was there. It was an easy process, but it's important to pay attention to temperature. I'm going to try it again soon, and will post photos and more details then.

Projects

I've never been very good at finishing projects. I have grand plans, buy supplies, and then...nothing. I've always blamed lack of time, but I'm not sure that's the truth. I think I'm just afraid of failure.

Back in January, I posted a list of things I wanted to do in 2010. I've only accomplished a few of them. The easy ones. Yes, I kind of did something big this year in giving birth, but for once, I want to end a year having crossed everything off of my "things I want to do/change this year" list.

I've decided that I'm going tackle one thing every week. Most of the list (I've added lots of things since January) deals with food. So, one day a week while my mother is here watching the kid, I'm going to work on a project.

Next week's project is cheese. I've wanted to make my own cheese every since reading Animal, Vegetable, Miracle (which I want to re-read soon), and by golly, I'm going to do it. My kit is on the way from Lehman's (oh, how I love that place). All I need to find is a stainless steel pot and I'm set.

I'm in the mood for a list, so here's a list of what I want to learn to do by the end of the year:
* cheese (simple ones at first)
* bagels
* english muffins
* bread other than plain white
* pasta
* pierogi
* can & preserve more
* sew (or crochet?)

There's more, but I'm too lazy to get out of the chair and get my list. But you get the idea.

I'll post results, of course, and I'm hoping that keeps me accountable. I'm tired of never accomplishing anything.

Oh, I had no idea...

Ummmm....hi. Sorry I've been away for so long. I've been hiding.

I've been avoiding writing for the past three months. I tend to do that when I'm going through a rough patch. Not smart, but that's just how I roll.

My son was born on March 12th, and my life is so...different. I thought I had an idea of what motherhood would be like, but I didn't. Not at all. The only part I was right about, I think, was that there would be a baby involved. I didn't know how draining it could be. Or how I could love someone so much that when they smile at me, it feels like my heart will explode with happiness.

Things have certainly eased up a bit compared to the way it was right after his birth. The first two weeks, I slept maybe 2-3 hours per day, didn't eat, and at times felt like I was losing my mind. We've settled into a routine(ish) now, and I'm a little more relaxed. A little. I'm constantly on "high alert," waiting for him to need something. My body almost buzzes waiting for whatever he needs next.

I'm teaching online, which is helpful, but my heart just isn't in it anymore. It just doesn't seem important in the grand scheme of things. More on that later.

The biggest struggle is losing the ability to do what I want when I want. Leaving the house is a production -- extra clothes, diapers, wipes, bottles -- and I feel like a pack mule. There are things I want to do that I just can't do with him. Like go strawberry picking. So, I have to arrange for a sitter (my sister), but I hate feeling like I'm imposing on other people's lives. There have been moments when I've felt chained, trapped, and have been angry that I can't do what I want. It gets frustrating at times that things have to be planned around him. I have to wait until he's napping to do anything. And he doesn't like to nap during the day, so that adds to the frustration. It's not like I want to do anything big -- it's usually that I just want to bake something or work outside. I'm trying not to be so selfish.

My family is wonderful and helps out a lot, and they seem to really enjoy spending time with him. But I hate asking people for help. But I guess I should get used to it.

Now, despite all of the frustration, there are moments when I can't imagine not having him in my life. When I can't imagine not being a mother. He smiles at me, and it is the most amazing feeling I've ever experienced. He'll hold my finger as we cuddle and nap, and there's no other place I'd rather be. I'm scared and excited about our life together. He is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.


With that, it's bottle time.