A Last Confession...

Action

2010-12-13T15:47:00.003-05:00

For the month of December, I'm participating in a wonderful project called Reverb10. It calls for bloggers to reflect on daily prompts in preparation for 2011. For more information, see Reverb10.

December 13 – Action. When it comes to aspirations, it’s not about ideas. It’s about making ideas happen. What’s your next step? (Author: Scott Belsky)

I'm not sure. Right now, I feel like I'm just trying to survive day-to-day with The Kid. I'm still getting used to not really having a set schedule, etc. I need to decide what I want to accomplish next year, and whether or not that's reasonable considering that I'm a mom now. I know that I want to continue with Weight Watchers and work on being more active, but other than that, I have no idea what I want to focus on next year.

Wisdom, Things, and Body Integration

2010-12-12T20:56:00.005-05:00

For the month of December, I'm participating in a wonderful project called Reverb10. It calls for bloggers to reflect on daily prompts in preparation for 2011. For more information, see Reverb10.

December 10 – Wisdom. What was the wisest decision you made this year, and how did it play out? (Author: Susannah Conway)

I think the wisest decision I've made this year was to re-join Weight Watchers last month. I'd lost the baby weight I'd gained, but I was still overweight, so I decided to give WW a shot. I'd been a member a billion times in the past 10 years, but this time seemed different. I was (am) more determined. I'm a slow loser, and I've lost almost 7lbs in the past 6 weeks. That works for me. My eating is somewhat under control, so now I need to work on activity. I chase The Kid around a lot, but of course I need something more vigorous and disciplined. I'm considering joining the Y so that I can swim (and take swim classes with The Kid).

Also...I'm considering learning how to run. The only time I've ever run (aside from when I was kid) was in high school 17+ years ago when I had to run in gym class. I've never had a desire to run, and never understood people who did. But now, I want to do it. We'll see.

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December 11 – 11 Things. What are 11 things your life doesn’t need in 2011? How will you go about eliminating them? How will getting rid of these 11 things change your life? (Author: Sam Davidson)

Wow. 11 things? Let's see.

1. Clutter. I tend to hoard books, bags, and papers. I'm trying to simplify and get rid of what I don't need. The clutter is starting to drive me insane. I'm also embarrassed to have people over because of the mess. It needs to go away.

2. Extra weight. Losing the weight will make me healthier, but more importantly, I want to be a good healthy role model for my son.

3. Crap from the past. There are several people I'm "friends" with on Facebook whom I just don't like. But I keep in touch with them to know what's going on with them. I'm nosy. I don't want to be. Most of them just disappoint me with whom they've become.

4. Clothing. I have too many clothes. I wear the same things over and over, so I need to donate what I don't wear anymore.

5. Self-loathing. I have to stop hating myself. Because I'm pretty awesome.

6. The inability to say "no." I tend to over-extend myself because I can't say no. That needs to stop.

Hmmm...I'm not sure what else I want to get rid of. I'll re-visit this.

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December 12 – Body Integration. This year, when did you feel the most integrated with your body? Did you have a moment where there wasn’t mind and body, but simply a cohesive YOU, alive and present? (Author: Patrick Reynolds)

Well, I don't know. I was going to say when I was giving birth, but I was definitely thinking then. I'm not sure I did have a moment in 2010 when I felt integrated with my body. I'm constantly thinking, no matter what I'm doing.

Reverb10 -- 2 responses

2010-12-09T19:42:00.003-05:00

December 8 – Beautifully Different. Think about what makes you different and what you do that lights people up. Reflect on all the things that make you different – you’ll find they’re what make you beautiful. (Author: Karen Walrond)

Sometimes I feel that I'm not much different than those around me. But I think that it's my experiences that make me different, or what make everyone unique. I try to always see the best in people and remind them to believe in themselves. When I was in grad school, a friend told me, "Never apologize for who you are," and that still resonates with me.

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December 9 – Party Prompt: Party. What social gathering rocked your socks off in 2010? Describe the people, music, food, drink, clothes, shenanigans. (Author: Shauna Reid)

I didn't really attend many social gatherings this year. I was too busy being pregnant or being a mom. We did manage to attend some small gatherings with friends this year. Recently, a friend held an obsolete media party, where we watch reel-to-reel films, listened to albums on vinyl, and ate 70's-inspired foods. There were only a handful of people there, but it was so reassuring to look around and see faces of people I cared about.

Community

2010-12-07T15:49:00.002-05:00

For the month of December, I'm participating in a wonderful project called Reverb10. It calls for bloggers to reflect on daily prompts in preparation for 2011. For more information, see Reverb10.

December 7 – Community Prompt: Community. Where have you discovered community, online or otherwise, in 2010? What community would you like to join, create or more deeply connect with in 2011? (Author: Cali Harris)

In 2010, I explored more online communities -- ones for weight loss, writing, motherhood, and homesteading. I'm a bit of a homebody and rather shy, so it's difficult for me to seek out people in real life. Also, with online work, I can do it whenever I want, which is a plus now that I have The Kid to consider.

In 2011, I'd like to continue to make connections with like-minded people. I don't have anything particular in mind at the moment.

Catching up on Reverb10: December 1-6

2010-12-06T13:47:00.004-05:00

Prompt: December 1 – One Word. Encapsulate the year 2010 in one word. Explain why you’re choosing that word. Now, imagine it’s one year from today, what would you like the word to be that captures 2011 for you? (Author: Gwen Bell)

One word for 2010? Change. The biggest change is that I became a mother this year. The Kid has changed my life in so many ways. It's been a challenge to accept that my life is different and that he comes first, no matter what. I'm getting better at it.

For 2011? Simplicity. I'm trying to de-clutter and simplify my life as much as possible. As I've written about before, I want to live a simple life, much like my grandmother did. Cook from scratch, grow my own food, not take pleasure in (too many) material things. Treasure my family and friends.
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Prompt: December 2 – Writing. What do you do each day that doesn’t contribute to your writing — and can you eliminate it? (Author: Leo Babauta)

The biggest thing that takes away from my writing is The Kid. When I'm not working, I'm being a mother. But I need to get back to my writing, even if it's 15 minutes a day. I've had so many poems and blog posts floating around my head the past several months, and I need to write them down.

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Prompt: December 3 – Moment. Pick one moment during which you felt most alive this year. Describe it in vivid detail (texture, smells, voices, noises, colors). (Author: Ali Edwards)

That's easy! I felt most alive this year when I was giving birth to my son. It was a surreal experience, and I'm amazed that I was able to give birth to a little boy. I'll save the vivid details for myself. :)

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Prompt: December 4 – Wonder. How did you cultivate a sense of wonder in your life this year? (Author: Jeffrey Davis)

I'm amazed every day by my son. Amazed that I made him, and amazed at how far he's come in (almost) 9 months. I'm so curious about him, and he, in turn, is curious about the world. I'm honored that I'm the one (or, one of the ones) who gets to show him around.

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Prompt: December 5 – Let Go. What (or whom) did you let go of this year? Why? (Author: Alice Bradley)

This is a tough one. There's definitely a person I'm trying to let go of, but it's difficult. I don't speak to them anymore, but I'm still "friends" with them on Facebook, so I'm aware of what's going on with them. I'm not sure why it's been difficult to say goodbye to them. I certainly know why I have to.

I'm also trying to let go of the self-loathing I've felt for years. I'm 35 years old, and I just want to love myself. How I look, how I speak, how I think -- everything. I'm a pretty awesome person, and it's time I appreciate it!

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Prompt: December 6 – Make. What was the last thing you made? What materials did you use? Is there something you want to make, but you need to clear some time for it? (Author: Gretchen Rubin)

Yesterday, I made homemade jams -- peach and black raspberry. I also made chocolate biscotti. I love to bake and cook, but it's hard to make the time lately. I would love to learn how to sew and quilt, and that's one of my goals for 2011.

More Thinking Than Doing

2010-11-24T11:22:00.004-05:00

I think a lot. I can't seem to stop. Often, I get so stuck thinking that I don't do what think about doing. For example, I want to bake something today, but I've spent the past hour trying to decide what I want to make instead of just doing it. The Kid will wake up from his nap soon, and I certainly won't be able to bake then. So, I've essentially wasted my time. I think part of the problem is that I'm so tired, I just don't want to move.

I read a lot about homesteading, cooking from scratch, simplifying, etc. and I want to do it all. But I don't. I reach for easy meals, still lust after material items (books and bags, mostly), and didn't prepare the ground for a garden like I wanted to. If I would have spent less time thinking and reading about it, and more time doing, I'd be on my way to the simple life I want.

I'm also worried because I don't have any classes for next summer. I wanted to teach at least one online course so that I'd have income, but the new Dept. Chair didn't give me anything. So, I'm not sure what I'm going to do. Ugh.

The Kid is starting to stir, so I'm going to throw in a load of laundry and prepare myself for playing and cuddling with him.

Over a month? Really?

2010-11-22T10:44:00.003-05:00

Apparently, I haven't blogged since October 3rd. It really hasn't seemed that long ago to me, but I guess time has been cruising on by.

We're heading into one of my favorite times of year (Thanksgiving --> Christmas), but I'm not so excited about it this year. I think it's largely because I'm tired. Wiped. Exhausted. Frustrated.

The Boy refuses to sleep in his crib. He was fine in his bassinet, then his pack & play, but as soon as we tried the crib, he revolted. As I posted back in September, I haven't had the heart to let him cry it out (when I try, he cries for OVER AN HOUR and it breaks my heart), so we spend each night in the recliner. I know that this won't last forever, and that there will come a day when I will miss being able to cuddle with him, but...I miss my bed. I miss sleeping next to my husband (though I don't miss his snoring). I've decided that I'm going to keep things the way they are until the semester is over, and then devote my winter break to getting my son to sleep in his crib. I hope it works.

In other news, I've gone back to Weight Watchers. It's been almost a month, and I've lost about 5 pounds. I'm totally half-assing it, on-program some days and off-program on other days. My main problems are that I don't plan my days very well, and I'm so focused on taking care of everyone else that I forget to eat and end up overdoing it at night. Not good. I'm so tired of being overweight, though. I'd like to be healthy when I turn 40 in 5 years.

That's all for now. I have papers to grade while The Boy is at my sister's. Good times.

Sunday Musings

2010-10-03T13:18:00.004-04:00

It's been an odd week. One of happiness, sadness, frustration. Forgive me if I ramble.

My colleague, her husband, and I went to see David Sedaris (who was hilarious, as always) last Wednesday. The reading was held at the college I recently applied to. I've been there several times, but this time, I tried to imagine working there. It's much bigger than my current college, with several buildings and parking lots. It has a real theater with a stage! It was a bit intimidating, and I wondered if it wasn't a good fit for me. They just started reviewing applications on Friday, though, and I don't even know if I'll make the cut for an interview.

I love my current college. I loved it as a student, and now as an instructor. Sure, I have issues with the administration, but I adore my students and (most of) my colleagues. It's exactly where I want to be. But even though enrollment is consistently growing, there is a hiring freeze until Fall 2012. I can't wait that long. But part of me wants to.

When I came home from the reading, I popped online to relax a little. That's what I found out about Tyler Clementi, the student from Rutgers who killed himself after video of he and his partner were posted online by his roommate. It broke my heart. I couldn't sleep that night, thinking about Tyler and everyone else who is harassed and bullied because of their sexual preference, or for any other reason. When I spoke to my colleague the next morning, we decided to try to make some changes on our campus. We're lobbying to re-activate the LGBT club and to bring speakers to campus. In our literature classes, we're going to make sure we promote diversity through the readings we select. We have big plans. Our county is rather conservative, and it may be difficult to do what we want to do. But we'll try.

All of this is also making me wonder what my son's future holds. Will kids bully him? What will I do? Is there a way I can protect him? Sometimes I look at him (like I'm doing right now), smiling and playing, and am saddened because someday that innocence will be gone. Breaks my heart.

Today, I have to get caught up on work for my online class. Which means I'll spend hours reading and responding to discussion boards posts and grading. Good times. Watching the NASCAR race at Kansas, hoping that my boy Tony Stewart wins. I'm making soft pretzels for the first time. And I'll be sure to make time for plenty of cuddling with The Kid.

Monday Slump

2010-09-27T13:19:00.002-04:00

I've been awake for almost 8 hours and I don't feel like I've accomplished anything. I've been grading discussion boards (so tedious!) for my online course all day. I had a craving for molasses, so I whipped up a batch of molasses crumb muffins.

I hate waiting for responses to job applications. Every time my cell phone has rung today, I got a pit in my stomach, afraid/hoping it would be the CC I sent my CV to last night. Because, of course, they would read it first thing this morning and need to call me right away before another college snatched me up. Right.

I think I've been having a difficult time lately because of the change of seasons. The weather hasn't changed that much (though today it's rainy and in the 60's), but the end of summer makes me sad. I'm going to miss the sunshine, fresh produce, not having to bundle up under layers of clothing, and mowing the lawn. I spent most of the summer holed up in the house being a mom, but still there was the possibility of having fun. My fall and spring semesters are filled with work, work, work.

Speaking of work, I'd better get back to the boards.

Almost October? Geez...

2010-09-26T16:28:00.003-04:00

I swear, I've written hundreds of blog posts in my mind, but I rarely get the chance to sit down and type them out. My boys are visiting with my in-laws this afternoon, so I actually have a couple of hours to myself.

I'm still struggling with balancing my time between work, motherhood, home-stuff, and myself. I get maybe an hour or two a week completely to myself. It's really not enough for everything I want to do. I'm constantly on alert, waiting for The Kid to need something, even when The Husband is taking care of him. I really need to learn how to relax because my blood pressure is way up, and I don't want to take medication. And I want to relax!

I'm applying for a full-time tenure-track position at an area community college. I haven't taught there, but I've been there for conferences, and they are light years ahead of where I currently teach. They're larger, and they have more funding. I would still love to land a FT gig at my current college, but they won't be hiring an English prof until maybe 2012. I've been adjuncting for about five years now, and it's time I land a FT position. That said, I'm nervous about it because of The Kid. Right now, I'm only on campus two days a week for four hours each day. I'm not sure how I would handle FT work, but I guess I'll deal with that hurdle if it comes.

The past month has gone by in a blur. My days are filled with prepping for classes, grading, playing with The Kid, changing diapers, cooking, etc. I haven't really read anything, which is adding to my irritability, I'm sure. I really need to make more time to read.

I'm also very, very tired. The Kid generally sleeps from 10-5:30, but he rarely makes it the entire night in his crib. I'm not sure why, but he wakes up during the night and just wants to be held. I can't deal with letting him cry it out, so we end up sleeping in the recliner in the living room. I love the cuddling, but the interrupted sleep is killing me. I'm tired all the time, and it's making me sick. I had strep last week, and I feel a cold coming on now. Not good.

With that in mind, I'm going to set aside the work and take a nap.

Stuff

2010-08-29T11:40:00.003-04:00

I've spent the past several years wishing I could do many things, but didn't do them. That's all going to change.

I tend to collect (borderline hoarding, but not in the gross way) things. Books, bags, papers (I will read all of those magazines and scholarly articles someday!), yarn (I have no idea how to knit or crochet), and more. The nursery still isn't ready for my son (he'll be 6 months old soon) because I haven't been able to totally clean out my office. It's been ok so far, since I wanted him to sleep in our room for the first 6 months or so, but it's time for me to be a responsible mom and give him his own space.

I've resolved to get rid of everything before, but it feels different this time. I invested in an e-reader so that I could get rid of all (ok, most) of my books to save room. I've been slowly selling books on half.com, and have made some decent money. I'm either going to finally learn how to knit/crochet, or I'm getting rid of the bins of yarn that I have. I decided this morning that I'm going to have a yard sale in two weeks. Whatever doesn't sell will be donated. I'm tired of living in clutter. It used to comfort me, but now it just makes me feel ashamed. I'm tired of having so much stuff that, in the end, really doesn't make me happy.

A Small Vent from a Woman Trying to Do Too Much

2010-08-11T15:52:00.003-04:00

I'm having a day. The kind of day where I just want to crawl back into bed and stay there all day. With chocolate and ice cream, preferably.

My To-Do List is so insanely long that it's overwhelming me. I have help during the day (thanks to my mother), but it never seems to be enough. And there's certainly no time for me to do anything fun on my own. It seems like my every waking moment is spent caring for my son, the house, or my husband. I'm sure that's the case with all (or most) mothers, but it's still a rather lonely feeling.

My fuse is incredibly short lately, and I hate it. I hate snapping at people that I love. I hate constantly feeling on edge. And I hate that there are moments when I find myself not wanting to cuddle the little boy (whom I love more than anything) because I just need a moment to myself and don't want to be touched.

It's not all horrible, really. It's just by the end of the day, I need a break. And I rarely get one. For the first time, I'm looking forward to the start of school so that I can get away two days a week. I hope it all works out.

The Boy just fell asleep, so I should try to get some work done. He typically only naps for 20-30 minutes, so I have to make good use of my time.

The Most Wonderful Time of the Year

2010-08-05T09:28:00.002-04:00

I love and hate August.

Things I love about August:
1. County Fairs
2. Racing (see below)
3. My Birthday (the 7th)

Things I hate about August:
Summer is almost over, and school is about to start. Ugh. I am so not ready.

We went to the county fair the other day. My mom and I went with my son, niece, and nephew. It was rather humid out, which made for some misery, but we had a pretty good time. I'll post photos this weekend when I have more time.

Today, my father and I are going to the Battle at the Grove. We've gone for the past few years, and even raced in it. It's great sprint car racing for a fantastic cause. It's just a bonus that I get to see Kasey Kahne (the dude is super small and thin), Kyle Busch (the dude has attitude, but he can race like a mofo), and Tony Stewart (*sigh* the dude is the best driver out there, and super super cute) is just a bonus. And I get to spend the day with my dad, which is always cool.

I'm a little nervous about being 3 hours away from my son, but I definitely need a break!

It's getting better...I think

2010-07-28T17:10:00.007-04:00

At least once a day, I resolve to get back to blogging. But something always gets in the way. I blame it on motherhood because that's the easy patsy, but the truth is that what I want to write is way too personal. I'm working my way through it all, but sometimes I feel that if I write about it, it makes it too real. It's not anything horrible by any means, so don't worry.

I think the other issue is that this blog doesn't have a focus. It certainly needs one, though I'm not sure what direction I want it to go in. I need to think about it.

Charlie and I are starting to fall into a routine, which is nice. The kid hates napping, though. It's as if he's afraid he'll miss something if he sleeps. I can almost count on a nap in the morning, but his afternoon nap is anyone's guess. Sometimes it's a couple of hours, and other times, like today, it's non-existent. I'm envious of those mothers who are able to put their kids down for the night at 7 or 8pm. Charlie doesn't go down until at least 11pm. Sometimes he'll sleep in his crib. Other times, he'll only sleep on me, which means I spend the night in the recliner and wake up with a stiff neck. Sure, I'm probably spoiling him, but I know there will come a day when he won't cuddle with me, so I'm soaking it up while I can.

Things will change in September, though, when I'm on campus two days a week. I'm a little nervous about it, but I know it will all work out.

In bookish news, I just finished The Passage by Justin Cronin. I try to avoid hyped-up books, but I kept hearing good things about this book. So, I caved and borrowed the e-book from my library. Sure, there are vampires in it, but they're far from Twilight-type vampires, which was a nice change for me. I'm still processing the book and will type up a proper review, but overall I really enjoyed it. I actually cared about the characters (though at times it felt like there were too many characters I cared about) and the plot kept my interest. More later when I have time.

More Time

2010-06-21T22:08:00.002-04:00

I need more time in the day. Or, I need to do less.

I have it "easy" this summer. I'm only teaching one online class, and there are only 9 students enrolled. But I'm having a difficult time getting everything on my To-Do list done. Between taking care of my son and regular household chores, I've been slacking on the teaching. I do the bare minimum, which just isn't my usual style. I'm trying to be OK with it for now. But I keep thinking that in the fall, I'll be teaching four classes -- 2 on campus, and 2 online. I don't know how I'm going to do it. But I have to.

I did manage to accomplish one 2010 goal over the weekend -- I made mozzarella cheese. I was too engrossed in the process to take photos, unfortunately. Next time, I will. It was a mostly successful effort. The texture was a little off (my milk didn't curd as well as it was supposed to), but the taste was there. It was an easy process, but it's important to pay attention to temperature. I'm going to try it again soon, and will post photos and more details then.

Projects

2010-06-10T20:24:00.002-04:00

I've never been very good at finishing projects. I have grand plans, buy supplies, and then...nothing. I've always blamed lack of time, but I'm not sure that's the truth. I think I'm just afraid of failure.

Back in January, I posted a list of things I wanted to do in 2010. I've only accomplished a few of them. The easy ones. Yes, I kind of did something big this year in giving birth, but for once, I want to end a year having crossed everything off of my "things I want to do/change this year" list.

I've decided that I'm going tackle one thing every week. Most of the list (I've added lots of things since January) deals with food. So, one day a week while my mother is here watching the kid, I'm going to work on a project.

Next week's project is cheese. I've wanted to make my own cheese every since reading Animal, Vegetable, Miracle (which I want to re-read soon), and by golly, I'm going to do it. My kit is on the way from Lehman's (oh, how I love that place). All I need to find is a stainless steel pot and I'm set.

I'm in the mood for a list, so here's a list of what I want to learn to do by the end of the year:
* cheese (simple ones at first)
* bagels
* english muffins
* bread other than plain white
* pasta
* pierogi
* can & preserve more
* sew (or crochet?)

There's more, but I'm too lazy to get out of the chair and get my list. But you get the idea.

I'll post results, of course, and I'm hoping that keeps me accountable. I'm tired of never accomplishing anything.

Oh, I had no idea...

2010-06-09T16:39:00.005-04:00

Ummmm....hi. Sorry I've been away for so long. I've been hiding.

I've been avoiding writing for the past three months. I tend to do that when I'm going through a rough patch. Not smart, but that's just how I roll.

My son was born on March 12th, and my life is so...different. I thought I had an idea of what motherhood would be like, but I didn't. Not at all. The only part I was right about, I think, was that there would be a baby involved. I didn't know how draining it could be. Or how I could love someone so much that when they smile at me, it feels like my heart will explode with happiness.

Things have certainly eased up a bit compared to the way it was right after his birth. The first two weeks, I slept maybe 2-3 hours per day, didn't eat, and at times felt like I was losing my mind. We've settled into a routine(ish) now, and I'm a little more relaxed. A little. I'm constantly on "high alert," waiting for him to need something. My body almost buzzes waiting for whatever he needs next.

I'm teaching online, which is helpful, but my heart just isn't in it anymore. It just doesn't seem important in the grand scheme of things. More on that later.

The biggest struggle is losing the ability to do what I want when I want. Leaving the house is a production -- extra clothes, diapers, wipes, bottles -- and I feel like a pack mule. There are things I want to do that I just can't do with him. Like go strawberry picking. So, I have to arrange for a sitter (my sister), but I hate feeling like I'm imposing on other people's lives. There have been moments when I've felt chained, trapped, and have been angry that I can't do what I want. It gets frustrating at times that things have to be planned around him. I have to wait until he's napping to do anything. And he doesn't like to nap during the day, so that adds to the frustration. It's not like I want to do anything big -- it's usually that I just want to bake something or work outside. I'm trying not to be so selfish.

My family is wonderful and helps out a lot, and they seem to really enjoy spending time with him. But I hate asking people for help. But I guess I should get used to it.

Now, despite all of the frustration, there are moments when I can't imagine not having him in my life. When I can't imagine not being a mother. He smiles at me, and it is the most amazing feeling I've ever experienced. He'll hold my finger as we cuddle and nap, and there's no other place I'd rather be. I'm scared and excited about our life together. He is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.

With that, it's bottle time.

Changes

2010-03-05T10:36:00.004-05:00

I haven't made any progress on my resolutions. I've been a bit distracted lately. We're remodeling our kitchen, trying to put a nursery together (on hold because we had to put a lot of kitchen stuff in the nursery), and I'm navigating the trickiness of teaching online. And I'm about to give birth. Any moment now.

I went to my OB on Monday, and I'm about 3cm dilated. My blood pressure has been a little high, so she said she doesn't want me to go past my due date (March 15th). If I don't go into labor naturally, they're going to induce me. Wonderful. I'm very uncomfortable today -- achy back, belly feels very heavy, slightly crampy -- so I'm kind of hoping today is the day. I'm scared, but ready to get it over with. I've been carrying this little guy around for 9 months, and I just want to meet him already!

I am so ready for spring. Now that most of the snow has melted, there are daffodils and tulips peeking up from the ground. I've started some veggie seedlings (tomatoes, peppers, and various other things), and have ordered some new books on preserving in preparation for the summer.

Today, I'm focusing on teaching, laundry, and packing my bag (no, I haven't done that yet). In fact, I should get to the teaching part now. I have mid-terms to grade, and content to post. Good times.

2010 Goals/Resolutions

2010-01-03T19:12:00.002-05:00

This is probably the first year in a long time that I don't have a resolution to lose weight. Feels good!

Here is my list of things I want to accomplish in 2010 (in no particular order):

· Make own butter, yogurt, mayonnaise

· Make own cheese – mozzarella to start

· Learn how to knit

· Learn how to needlepoint

· Make own whole wheat pitas for Chad’s lunches

· Make own white bread

· Once baby can eat solids, make own baby food

· Once spring arrives, dry all laundry outside

· Read 60 books

· Eat out only once per week

· Make at least three vegetarian meals per week

· Kitchen sink must be clear by bedtime every night

· Source & start using only local meat and produce

· From May-September, only local & homegrown produce

· Eliminate use of products with HFCS by end of the year

· Cut monthly grocery bills by 10%

· Use reusable bags when shopping

Snowy New Year's Eve

2009-12-31T10:48:00.004-05:00

Woke up to snow this morning, which was somewhat of a surprise. They'd been forecasting flurries and such, but there's about 3 or 4 inches on the ground right now.

The holidays were nice, but, as always, went by too fast. Spent some time with the family and the husband, and that's really what the holidays are about for me, not the gifts. Life is a gift. Family is a gift.

I'm a bit melancholy today, as I always am on New Year's Eve. I've been reflecting on the past year, and how much, as always, things have changed. A year ago, I was not a happy person. Life wasn't horrible, but I wasn't able to appreciate what I had. Now, I'm happy and able to see how incredibly lucky I am. I have a husband whom I love with all my heart, and who is just...such a good man. I have a family whom I adore, and love to spend time with. I have a great career, good friends, my cats. What more could I ask for?

I'm still working on my resolutions, so I'll post them later. For now, I'm going to enjoy the snow day and read until I have to pick up the husband from work (his car is horrible in the snow).

Today would have been John Denver's 66th birthday. He was Emerson's favorite singer. Yes, that makes me sound like a crazy cat lady, but it's true. When I played John Denver's songs, Emerson would purr like crazy. I can't believe he's been gone almost a year. I miss him very much. I like to think that he's hanging out with John Denver wherever he is.

Finals

2009-12-21T12:54:00.003-05:00

After having most of last week "off" from school (still had grading to do, but didn't have finals to administer), I'm giving finals today and tomorrow. It's easy enough -- I just sit here with my laptop and poke around the internet (no Facebook, though, as it's blocked) -- but I'd rather be home. I wasn't nearly productive enough last week, and have a lot to do before the holiday.

I haven't sent out Christmas cards yet, and may just do it after the holiday. I wanted to write notes to everyone, and I'll have time to do that after Friday. The next couple of days will be filled with finals, grading, baking, and sleep.

My sleep schedule has been screwy the past few weeks. No matter what time I go to bed (typically 10-11pm), I'm awake at 3am. It's either due to hip pain (I can only sleep on my side), the urge to pee (seriously annoying), or just general insomnia. Sometimes I can fall back asleep, but most of the time I can't. So I just get up and watch tv. I'm too sleepy to do anything that requires focus, so it's not like I use the extra time to get things done. Oh well.

I'm on campus until 2ish, then I have to go home and bake. I'm giving baskets of baked goodies to my colleagues tomorrow. So far, I've finished (all homemade): strawberry jam, grape jelly, molasses spice cookies, and snickerdoodles. Tonight, I'm making homemade caramel corn with peanuts, chocolate covered oreos, and maybe homemade bread. Everything needs to be finished tonight so that I can deliver the goods tomorrow. I wanted to do more, but I just didn't have the time. There's always next year, right?

I'd better get back to work...

Gifts

2009-12-17T14:21:00.002-05:00

I've been off from school since Monday, but have to go back on the 21st & 22nd for finals. I thought I'd spend my week baking and getting ready for the holidays, but that hasn't happened. I've been reading, napping, shopping a little...really not productive at all.

My mom came over today, and we made a batch of grape jelly (from juice, not fruit). It's setting (I hope) on the counter right now. If it turns out yummy, I'll post the recipe. I'm going to make strawberry jam, and maybe blueberry jam tonight. Tomorrow will be spent (really) baking cookies. I want to have everything finished so that I can deliver stuff on Monday.

I have an OB appointment that I need to get ready for. I don't feel like venturing outside, though. Very cold today.

Just not into it...

2009-12-10T07:59:00.002-05:00

Today is the last day for my Tuesday/Thursday classes. I should be excited. I should go in there and wow them one last time before the final exam. But I just don't have the energy. It could be that I haven't been sleeping well (leg cramps, the constant need to pee, kicking baby), but I'm beginning to suspect that I'm just tired of teaching. That's something I thought I'd never say. And I hope it's not true.

Slowly but steadily, the desire to own my own farm has been creeping to the forefront. I want to be more self-sufficient. Instead of teaching today, I'd much rather stay home today and bake some bread from scratch. I'm not great at it, but I want to perfect it. I want to start going through my seed catalogs and plan next year's garden. But I'll go in and learn 'em.

Food, Inc.

2009-11-29T09:40:00.003-05:00

*sigh*

We watched Food, Inc. last night. For those of you who haven't seen it, whether you care about where your food comes from or not (though, you really should care), see it ASAP. It's out on DVD after a limited release in theaters.

The movie, with contributors like Michael Pollan, Eric Schlosser and Joel Salatin, examines the US food system, and how we've moved so far away from the agrarian society we were when the US came into existence. Only a few companies control the thousands of products we find on supermarket shelves. The animals we eat are treated horribly, bred to fatten up so quickly that they can't move or stand up, and are fed things that go against their nature. Seed companies like Monsanto forbid farmers from doing what they've done forever -- save seeds. Farmers today are not free to farm. Laws, supported by the large corporations like Monsanto, forbid them from growing certain things, or selling certain things, etc.

I went to bed feeling guilty last night, knowing that even though I have a desire to grow/raise my own food, I'm a slacker. It's much easier to go to the grocery store, buy what's in sale, ignore the seasonality of produce, and be on my merry way. It's cheaper to buy the factory farmed meat than it is to buy local organic, humanely raised meat. Though, when I've tried to source local organic meat in the past, it's been difficult, even though I live in the Garden State. Even the farmer's markets and stands around here sell non-local produce year-round.

I need to do better. Make the effort, and stop contributing to the factory farm system.

More later...

Mid-November? Really? What's up with that?

2009-11-16T14:10:00.004-05:00

Well, so much for writing here on a regular basis. I honestly don't know where the time has gone.

I'm currently 23 weeks pregnant, so over halfway through. I can feel the baby moving a lot now. Not from the outside yet, but certainly internally. He's moving around right now, as a matter of fact. We haven't decided on any names yet. Well, I have, but the husband doesn't like the name I've chosen, and is supposed to come up with suggestions of his own...which he hasn't done yet. I'm totally going to win this battle.

Being pregnant is weird. I mean, yes, I'm happy and all that, but it's still odd to experience. I had a relatively easy first trimester -- no real morning sickness, just really, really tired. I'm still tired. My hips constantly hurt, but that was the case when I wasn't pregnant. Emotionally, I'm happy and terrified. We haven't done much to prepare for the baby, largely because the nursery is going to be in my office...and I have a difficult time getting rid of my stuff. There are times when I feel like I'm the only one who has to deal with major changes because of the baby -- changes in my body, getting rid of tons of books to make room for the nursery, changing my work schedule. So much responsibility, and I'm scared I won't be a good mom. This is all normal, right?

I'm proctoring an exam right now, and all I want to do is sleep. I could be catching up on my grading, but instead I'm blogging and thinking about Christmas. For financial reasons, Christmas has to be low-key this year, and I'm trying to think of homemade gifts that people won't hate. I'm not crafty, so it will have to be something related to food. We'll see.

I'm going to go hover over students right now. Good times!

Wicked Tired

2009-09-15T09:04:00.002-04:00

Sorry, folks, for not posting in 6 months. I'm not quite sure where the time went. Plenty has happened since March, and I'm not quite sure why I've been avoiding blogging. It could be that I'm wicked tired all of the time, and typing is just too much of an effort.

The biggest news is that I'm pregnant! I'm 14 weeks along, and due March 14th. It came as a (very happy) surprise back in July, and I'm very excited. I've been very lucky, not having had much morning sickness. But I've been so, so tired that I just want to sleep every second of the day. Which was (almost) fine over the summer when I was only working 20 hours a week with a very flexible schedule. Now that I'm back to teaching, well...there's not much time for napping.

Speaking of teaching, I have class in 55 minutes. Which means some last minute prepping and copying for me.

I promise, though, that I'll keep up with this blog for the two of you who read it.

Peace!

Tuesday Afternoon Ramblings

2009-03-17T15:52:00.002-04:00

I'm on Spring Break this week. Well, sort of. I have to tutor tomorrow and Thursday, and I'm attending a conference on Friday.

I haven't done anything productive the past few days. I had grand visions of de-cluttering and donating books to the library. Instead, I've been reading, napping, and researching homesteading. I've been sick (cold/flu) for the past few weeks and haven't had the energy to do anything.

Also, I seem to get stuck researching things instead of just doing them. For example, I want to start making more of my own bread. I've been researching sourdough starters for about a week now, and am stuck trying to decide if I want to make my own starter or buy an established one. I'll think myself in circles for days, weeks, until I become obsessed with something else.

I want to live a simple life. I want to grow my own food, make my own clothes, etc. I think about it all the time, but I never do anything about it. I'm so frustrated with myself.

I need to set some definite goals and work toward them. I can't afford to be stuck anymore.

Saying Goodbye

2009-02-02T14:52:00.005-05:00

I've been staring at the screen for almost 10 minutes, trying to figure out a way to write about this without crying. It's not possible.

Emerson passed away the evening of January 24th.

When I woke up that morning, I knew that he wasn't going to make it to the next day. His eyes were different...spacey, not very aware. I brought him into the living room with me, and cuddled with him for a little while. At one point, he got up and jumped off the the chair. He wasn't able to walk, and ended up flopping down on the floor, in a space where the sun was shining.

He spent most of the day lying on the floor in the bathroom, staring into space. He did come out to the kitchen a few times to try and eat a little, and each time I found myself hoping I'd have one more day with him. I stayed in the bathroom with him, lying down on the floor next to him. I covered us up with a blanket, and just talked to him. Even though he didn't seem too aware, he did purr, and occasionally put his paw on my hand or arm.

Chad and I were supposed to go to a Burns Supper that night, but I decided to stay home with Emerson. Soon after Chad left, I decided to take a bubble bath and read. That way, I could keep an eye on Emerson but still give him some space. Around 9pm, I noticed that he was gasping for air. I got out of the tub, not even bothering to dry off, and sat by him. He continued to gasp for air, and his whiskers and legs began to twitch. A few minutes later, he took his last breath.

I've known for months that the end was coming. I'd spent the past several weeks spending as much time with him as possible, saying goodbye to him every night in case he died during the night. Emerson knew that he was loved, and I know that he loved me. Knowing all of that, though, didn't make the end any easier. It breaks my heart that the last thing he heard was his mother sobbing.

I'd decided long ago to have him cremated, and since he passed away on a weekend, I had to keep his body cold until I could take him to the vet's office. Putting him a box and petting him one final time was one of the most difficult things I've ever had to do. I couldn't bring myself to close the box. I realize that what was left was just a shell of a body. But that body, that fur, those eyes, had brought such joy and comfort to me. How could I say goodbye? I had to force myself to close the box, tape it up, and put it in the garage.

I have to keep busy, otherwise I think about him and just cry. Even though I have three other cats to love, and who love me, it's not the same. He was such an integral part of my life, that almost everything I do reminds me of him, or reminds me that he's gone.

I miss him.

Emerson

2009-01-14T21:36:00.000-05:00

On May 1, 1998, I was wandering around Stockertown, PA, looking for a yard sale. I was on a back road, lost, when I came around a corner to find a car stopped in the middle of the road. A woman was standing by the open passenger side door, looking distressed. I stopped, and got out of the car to see if I could help. She told me that a cat was stuck under her car. I bent down, and saw a white cat, crouched underneath the car. I called him, and he came right to me. When I picked him up, he put his arms around me as if he were hugging me. The woman got in her car, and left.

The cat was pure white, wasn't dirty, so I didn't think he was a stray. Otherwise, he would have been dirty and thin. To this day, I believe that he belonged to that woman, and she was getting rid of her cat. He was friendly, so I put him in the backseat of my car, took him home, and named him Emerson Stuart Bacon. He quickly became the love of my life.

Emerson is dying. I found out in October that he has lymphoma. Because of his age (estimated to be 14 or 15 years old), I decided not to go through with surgery to remove the tumor in his spleen, and not to go through with radiation treatments. The vet said that he may not have survived the surgery, and the trips for the radiation treatment may have stressed him out too much. So, I decided to just enjoy whatever time I had left with him.

For the past several months, he's steadily lost weight, and spends most of his time sleeping. But he still had a good appetite, purred, still loved to cuddle, and seemed ok. The past few days, though, he's been having diarrhea. Yesterday, he had it in the dining room.

I know that soon, I'll have to make a very difficult decision. I don't want him to suffer. But I honestly don't know how I'm going to be able to say goodbye. It absolutely breaks my heart. I don't think I can do it.

Freezing Monday

2008-12-22T09:52:00.002-05:00

Our furnace died over the weekend. It's been dying over the past few weeks, but we (I) didn't have time to call a repairperson to come and fix it. But it died a final death Saturday afternoon. We didn't want to bother anyone on a weekend, so we just bundled up and endured the coldness. It's around 50 degrees in the house, and it was down to 12 degrees outside last night. It's cold.

I left two messages for a repair person this morning, but no one has called me back yet. Hmpf.

I'm officially on winter break now, but I still have to grade finals and papers today. Grades must be posted by tonight. We used to have until after the new year, but they changed that this year. Hmpf.

Once I'm finished grading, I don't think I'll know what to do with myself. The past several months have been filled with prepping and grading...no free time at all. I have a huge stack of books that I want to make my way through. I'm also picking up some side work for an insurance broker, filling in for his assistant who's on maternity leave. Thankfully, that's just a few hours a week, and I can work from home.

The furnace people just called. I guess I should make the house look presentable!

Free time? What's that?

2008-11-21T09:55:00.002-05:00

I have the day off today. I wasn't supposed to. A colleague and I were supposed to go to a workshop today, so I cancelled my classes at one college. Last night, they cancelled the workshop because of snow. I'm disappointed about that, but...I have a day off. Free time! And I have no idea what to do with myself!

I'm teaching 8 classes this semester (6 at one school, 2 at another). It is insane. Really. I have no time to do anything anymore. I teach back to back classes Monday through Thursday, 8am-5pm. Fridays are an "easy" day, with classes from 8:30-11:10. I am exhausted. They're all writing/literature classes, so I've been up late every night grading papers and commenting on drafts. It's too much. I'm looking forward to next semester, when I'll only have 4 classes at one college.

I haven't been reading anything aside from student papers, which is...depressing. I just don't have the time. I did place a rather large order a few weeks ago -- the new Stephen King, new Toni Morrison, and new Sarah Vowell.

Mary Karr came to campus for a reading last week. She taught a master class in the afternoon, discussing a writer's obligation to their audience. Then, I had the honor of going out to dinner with her with other folks from the department. She is an amazing woman. Completely unapologetic, not afraid to say exactly what she wants. She gave a fantastic reading that night, reading from Cherry, and her most recent book of poetry.

I think I might take a nap now. I haven't had a nap in months!

Monday Blahs

2008-10-06T14:42:00.002-04:00

I know, I know. It's been awhile. And every time I write, I say that I'm going to post more frequently...but it never happens.

Why?

Well. I was going to say that I'm busy (teaching 6 classes), but everyone is busy. I was also going to say that I haven't been feeling well lately, but that's no excuse.

Okay, so I have no excuse.

This semester has been a busy one, and there are moments when I can't wait until December 18th when it will all be over. But that's over two months away, so for now I'm just keeping my head down and doing what I have to do.

I did manage to find time to have some fun last weekend at the Dodge Poetry Festival. I met Lucille Clifton, whom I want to adopt as my grandmother. I also met Chris Abani, whose poetry blew me away, and Sharon Olds, who read a series of new poems inspired by Neruda's Odes. My favorite was "Ode to the Douchebag."

20 minutes later...
I just met with a student, and now I only have 15 minutes before my next class. So...until next time.

2008-09-09T17:48:00.003-04:00

I should probably avoid writing when very tired. I'm yawning every minute or so, my eyes are watery and barely open, and I could fall asleep in, oh, about a second. But here I am. Because apparently I have something to say.

It's only the 5th day of the semester, and already I'm bone tired, ready for it all to be over. Don't get me wrong, I love every second (mostly) of my job. But I am tired.

I'm also a bit frustrated that I'm not reading anything of interest right now. Nothing has really struck my fancy in months, it seems. I'm re-reading The Reader, which I loved when I read it years ago, but it's boring me this time around. I don't know if it's because I'm so tired, or what. But it's getting really annoying.

A friend and I are thinking about starting a face-to-face book club, which is exciting. I have to admit, I miss taking literature classes. I miss sitting around with a bunch of folks, dissecting literature. I mean, I still do it to some extent in my classes, but it's not the same. I try not to offer my own thoughts/opinions so that the students are encouraged to think for themselves. Hopefully, the book club will be a good outlet for me. I've already started making a list of potential books (at the top, A Prayer for Owen Meany, which I love).

One thing I'm very excited about is the upcoming Dodge Poetry Festival. Any poetry lovers who are in the NJ/NY/PA area must go. I'm super excited about Lucille Clifton, Charles Simic, Sharon Olds, Billy Collins, and my colleague BJ Ward. Check out the website -- there are many more fantastic poets that I haven't listed here.

The post where the blog totally jumps the shark...

2008-09-02T11:25:00.002-04:00

Classes start tomorrow. I'm already overwhelmed. More on that later.

OK. I'm not pregnant, and probably won't be any time soon, but I know what I want to name my first son. Forget the family name I had picked out forever (Charlie Bennett). I'm going with the best, most super cool baby name (for a boy. Or a girl, if that's how you roll).

Leroy.

Yes, Leroy.

Yes, I'm serious.

In other news, I've had "Kiss Me Deadly" by Lita Ford stuck in my head FOR DAYS.

A Day at the Races...

2008-08-20T14:58:00.010-04:00

After a two month hiatus, we were finally back at the races yesterday. The car is still for sale, but we brought it out to Williams Grove Speedway (Mechanicsburg, PA) for a special race. A race for the children. It was a benefit for the Kasey Kahne Foundation. Kasey Kahne, Dave Blaney, and my boy Tony Stewart were all there to race. I'd been looking forward to this race for almost a year (since I attended last year's race...which didn't have Tony or Blaney). We didn't qualify, but that was OK. We just don't have the money or equipment to race with these guys. But we gave it a shot.

I crawled into bed at 3am, and I'm beat. So here are photos from the day. I promise, a real post soon.

Kasey Kahne on the track

Tony Stewart on the track

Turn 2 from the bridge (crosses over the track)
Kasey Kahne
Tony Stewart

Turn 3 from the bridge

Tony signing autographs (no, I didn't get one)

My only complaint about the day was that they allowed spectators (folks not associated with a car) into the pits during the races. Most of them congregated around the Nascar drivers' cars, and created a HUGE safety hazard because they were standing in the pit lane, where cars were coming and going. While Tony and Kasey were in their cars waiting to be pushed out onto the track, people were gawking, standing right by their car to take pictures of them in the cockpit. During the driver's meeting, there were people giggling and taking photos of the three (Kahne, Stewart, and Blaney) of them. I can completely understand the excitement of seeing your favorite driver up close, but they're there to race. Take pictures and stuff during autograph sessions or after the race. But when they're trying to focus and get ready to go out on the track, leave them alone.

OK, now I'm going to take a nap.

Ummmm....hi.

2008-08-13T20:12:00.002-04:00

So...you'd think after not posting for two months I'd have something interesting to say. Oh? What's that? Where have I been? Ummmm...nowhere. Really. Just teaching and stuff. Nothing exciting. I haven't been online much recently because I've either been teaching (or doing class-related stuff) or reading (re-read the Twilight series and read the final book, Breaking Dawn which was horrible). See? Nothing exciting.

And because I have nothing exciting to write about, here's a meme via Andi:

1. My uncle once: let me drive the tractor around the field. In circles.

2. Never in my life: have I tried smoking.

3. When I was five: I already knew how to read.

4. High school was: painful.

5. I will never forget: the feeling of walking barefoot in my grandmother's garden growing up.

6. Once I met: Paula Cole at Lilith Fair.

7. There’s this girl I know: who doesn't think she's loved.

8. Once, at a bar: one of my bestest friends played "Mandy" by Barry Manilow on the jukebox just for me.

9. By noon, I’m usually: ready to go back to bed!

10. Last night: I watched the Olympics.

11. If only I had: money! I'd be able to help my friends and family.

12. Next time I go to church: will be for a wedding or funeral.

13. What worries me most: losing my family.

14. When I turn my head left I see: the wall.

15. When I turn my head right I see: the husband sitting in the comfy chair.

16. You know I’m lying when: my face turns purple.

17. What I miss most about the 80s is: lately, Garbage Pail Kids.

18. If I were a character in Shakespeare I’d be: Ophelia.

19. By this time next year: I might be a mom.

20. A better name for me would be: I'm pretty happy with my name.

21. I have a hard time understanding: why people can't be nice to each other anymore. No one even says "Thank you" or "excuse me" anymore.

22. If I ever go back to school, I’ll: get my Phd. Or MFA

23. You know I like you if: I cook for you.

24. If I ever won an award, the first person I would thank would be: My parents.

25. Take my advice, never: put strawberries in Coke. Not good.

26. My ideal breakfast is: coffee and a cheese danish.

27. A song I love but do not have is: Hmmm...I can't think of anything. I think I have all of the songs I love already.

28. If you visit my hometown, I suggest you: get some pizza from Nicolosi's and a hot dog from Toby's.

29. Why won’t people: just get along!

30. If you spend a night at my house: you'll have to be ok with cats breathing on you all night.

31. I’d stop my wedding for: I don't know. I didn't stop mine!

32. The world could do without: mean people.

33. I’d rather lick the belly of a cockroach than:eat beets.

34. My favourite blonde(s) is/are: my niece.

35. Paper clips are more useful than: beets.

36. If I do anything well it’s: cook!

37. And by the way: I'm having soy chik'n sammies with tater tots and baked beans for dinner. Lazy!

Beep beep click click whirr....

2008-06-03T22:42:00.004-04:00

As part of my desire to be more environmentally responsible, I decided to ride my bike to vote and go to the library today. [OK, and in the process get some exercise]. I am painfully out of shape, but I survived the [paltry] 4/14 miles. Idiot that I am, though, I didn't take any water with me. Won't make that mistake again.

We have access to a lot of things within a mile or so of where I live, but it's all cut down the middle by a highway that just isn't pedestrian/biker friendly. The post office is in the middle of the highway [think of it like a big island in between the westbound and eastbound lanes] which just pisses me off because it's just inaccessible by anything other than car. But, when I can, I'll ride my bike to run my errands instead of taking the car.

I was perusing the bike laws today and discovered that I'm required to have an "audible signal" which can be heard up to 100 feet away. This news made me tingle. I get to get a horn! Or a bell. I'll have to try them out to see what is best. I'll do this when I get back from vacation. I was also scolded by my husband because I didn't wear my helmet...so I'll start to do that, too.

[I think] we decided to leave for Maine early Thursday morning. There's just too much to do before we go. What concerns me, though, is that we suck at getting up early. Heeding the 5am [or 4am] alarm is not going to go well, me thinks. But I'm excited about getting away. It's only for a few days, but I'm hopeful that we'll still be able to relax. At the very least, we'll just gorge ourselves on lobster!

I got a voicemail from the Dept. Chair today, telling me that another class opened up this summer. If it doesn't conflict with the class I'm already teaching, I'll take it. I need the money, and frankly, I miss the work. The session starts June 24th -- I'll start prepping for it next week.

My garden is doing well [so far]. Everything has been planted -- it's just a matter of weeding, watering, and waiting for the harvest. There are some things I'll plant soon for a fall/winter harvest. I'll post photos when it gets more interesting.

I've finished some great books recently [most of them about living simply, without modern technology...hence my desire to stay away from the computer]. It's been nice to get away from the computer and it's tendency to suck time out of me. But I do want to write about a couple great books I just finished, so...when I get back.

What did you do today?

2008-05-19T16:33:00.002-04:00

I've been off for a little over a week, and every day my husband asks me, "What did you do today?" Well. Not as much as I planned on doing. But it's not my fault -- the weather has been horrible (cold, rainy) for gardening. I've done a ton of reading, though -- expect a full report in a day or so.

I've been obsessed with asparagus lately. You know, the green stalks that make your pee smell when consumed. It's asparagus season around here...and I can't find any. Yes, I can find the stuff trucked across the country from California, but nothing local. I've inquired at farm stands, but no luck. I've only managed to find some local lettuce. But everything at the local farmer's market (note: there's another one that I haven't tried yet) is non-local. Yeah, that makes sense.

Inspired by Barbara Kingsolver's Animal, Vegetable, Miracle (I re-read it last week...seriously, everyone needs to read it...NOW) I've been trying to eat seasonally and grow as much as I can. I've started a garden at my parents' (they have more land and sun), but the weather has been so weird that I haven't even put in the tomatoes, peppers, squash, etc. I'm worried that we won't harvest much before fall.

I just have these grand visions of living off the land. My grandparents did it. They had a huge garden, raised chickens and cows (which they butchered and ate...I didn't realize this until a few years ago...yes, I'm a little slow) and only had to go grocery shopping once a month or so for items they couldn't produce on their own. I wish I'd paid more attention to how they did it. I was so young, though, and didn't think about a time when they'd be gone and I'd want to know how the heck to grow and preserve things.

Hmmm...wonder if there's a canning/preserving class somewhere...

Sunday Musings...

2008-05-04T12:14:00.001-04:00

Lots to write about...

My Exam went well. The questions were what I expected, but I was instructed to answer four, not the typical three. I typed for three hours straight (time allotted). I'm not 100% happy with my responses, but I can fill in any holes at my defense, which will be on Thursday or Friday. I'm 99.9% I passed, though. But anything can happen.

It feels weird to be finished, and I'm not sure what I want to do next. I'm thinking about getting an MFA, but I have to talk to some folks about that to see if it makes sense.

Yesterday, Chad, Dad, and I headed to Dover, DE for my ride-along (won at the URC Banquet in December). After signing in, guests, drivers, and riders were piled into vans and driven around the track for a tour. Everything was a lot smaller than it looks on tv. We then headed to the pit area, where they had about 10 former Nascar cars for the rider & drivers.

The only safety equipment we were given was a helmet -- basic, no visor. That made me a little nervous. Yes, I realize that I'd only be in the car for four laps, but anything can happen. I was assigned to my boy Kasey Kahne's (no, I didn't request it) former car. I got in, and one of the officials helped me get strapped in. Here's where I really started to get nervous.

The official, who reminded me of Uncle Rico from Napoleon Dynamite, DIDN'T KNOW HOW TO STRAP ME IN. Seriously. He fiddled around with it, and another official kept coming over to correct him. Not good.

Then, my driver arrived. Now, this is going to sound mean, but...he wasn't what I expected. None of the instructors were, really. They didn't seem like "real" race car drivers. Not that I'm sure what that means. Certainly, none of them were cute. (I'm a sucker for a man in a firesuit). Anyway...

My driver was....a bit older than I expected. He needed help getting his left leg in the car. His hands were shaking as he buckled in. I don't know if it was a joke, or real. But it made me nervous. What if he had a heart attack when we were on the track? Anyway, he was very nice and said that he wasn't out to scare people like some other drivers, and if I got nervous to tap him on the shoulder, and he'd slow down. The max we'd do was about 120mph, which didn't sound that bad.

When we pulled out onto the track, I was terrified. The turns are banked 24 degrees, and it was just...weird. Too fast, for sure. So I tapped him on the shoulder, and he slowed down. After about a 1/2 lap, I got used to it, and motioned for him to speed up again. It was scary but a blast at the same time. I wish we could have stayed out there longer.

On the way home, I asked Dad if I could use his car for Billy Pauch's driving school. He said no -- he'd tried it once, and even he was afraid of being in a sprint car. Chad laughed. I wish I would have tried driving when I was younger, but I doubt my dad would let me. Chad would divorce me for sure, if I decided I wanted to be a driver. Stupid boys.

I should mow my lawn today, but I don't feel like getting the mower out, getting gas for it, etc. Instead, I'm going to grade research papers. I give finals on Monday and Tuesday, and then I'm off until June 24th.

We're going to my favorite Thai restaurant for dinner tonight. Then we're going to see the Kids in the Hall. Should be fun...

Yikes...

2008-05-02T09:54:00.002-04:00

I have another hour and fifteen minutes to study before I have to shower and leave for my exam. I've been cramming, trying to memorize lines of poems. I know the material, but having to cite specific poems, lines, etc without any materials in front of me terrifies me. But it is what it is, and I'll have the defense to redeem any mistakes.

So, I'm just trying to stay calm and confident. Trying, not succeeding so far.

Ugh.

Tempted...

2008-04-30T17:11:00.002-04:00

If I didn't need to focus tonight, I'd take a Xanax. I'm in freak-out mode.

I spoke to my niece earlier, and she asked me if I could come over "for a couples" and play. I told her that I'd love to, but I have to work. She was persistent, asking if I had to work tonight, tomorrow morning, and so on, and I ended up in tears. I would love to just play, and not worry about grading, failing students, or my Exam.

Let me vent for a moment. Here are the things giving me angst:
1. My Exam. All I have to do is study (memorize around 15 poems), and just take the test on Friday. And then defend it sometime next week. I'm terrified of failing.
2. Grading. For some reason, students expect A's, but aren't willing to put forth the effort. And they get angry with me when I give them the grade they earned.
3. Grass. My lawn is at least ankle high. Today is the last sunny day (per the forecast) for about a week. But I don't have time to mow today.
4. I am in physical pain, and I'm going to have to suck it up and call a doctor soon.

OK...my 10 minute break is up.

Withdrawal...

2008-04-28T10:22:00.003-04:00

Because I'm insanely busy this week with very important things (end of semester grading, my MA Exam), my husband decided to block certain websites so that I don't get distracted. Sites like MySpace, LiveJournal, Etsy, Ebay, various celebrity gossip sites, racing websites, and so on. They're only unblocked from 9pm-midnight.

It's driving me crazy. Most of my work (writing, prepping, etc) is done on the computer. When I need to relax for a few minutes, or whatever, I look at these sites. They help me (I think) de-stress a little. I like seeing what my friends have posted on their blogs or MySpace pages. I've only been on the computer for an hour this morning, and it's already driving me insane that I have a message waiting for me on MySpace, and I can't read it until 9pm tonight.

But.

I've also been saying for over a year now that I want to simplify, move away from so much technology and time-sucking websites.

So...we'll see.

But not today...

2008-04-22T14:25:00.001-04:00

It's time for another half-ass blog...there's just not enough time in the day.

* One of my students may have a serious illness. They kept apologizing to me for missing class and for not being focused. All they can think about is the possible diagnosis and what that will mean for them and their children. I told her not to worry about class, and to do whatever she needs to do. I just feel so sorry for her, and it sucks that there's nothing I can do aside from accept a few late assignments.

*Sunday -- went to dinner with Chad's friends at a Thai restaurant (my 3rd Thai dinner in a week). When we got there, we found that it was (sort of) closed for a birthday party for the owner. They invited us in, though, and we feasted on a fantastic Thai buffet. Most of the foods weren't things normally on the menu, so I got to try a few new things...for free! It was just a surreal experience, and we all felt a little uncomfortable. I guess we're not used to such hospitality. So...happy birthday, Wallace!

*Garden -- I've been spending some time at my parents' working in the garden. I don't really have the time to spare, really, but I have to get stuff planted. I'm going down for a couple of hours soon to put in some more veggies. It's really relaxing, and I can't wait until everything starts growing.

Other than that, I'm just grading, prepping for final lessons, panicking that I haven't taught my students anything, studying for my exam (May 2nd), writing (reviews for Estella), and...trying to stay sane.

Sunday night blahs...

2008-04-13T22:13:00.004-04:00

I'm too tired and crabby for a real post, so here are some random things:

Friday -- Had my usual exam meeting with Dr. E. Dazzled her with my brilliant insights (yes, that's what she called them) on Plath.
Afterward, I went to my parents' to scope out the garden. Had S'mores with Mom, Dad, and Jamie. Really good times, and I was happy. It was so nice to just relax. I really adore my parents.

Racing -- Last night did not go as planned. Does it ever, though? Didn't qualify in the heat, so had to go to the B. Had a great run, finished 2nd. I was happy that we qualified simply because it meant we'd go home with more than $50 in tow money. In the feature, however, our friend spun, and Jamie, who was behind him, had nowhere to go. Of course, it happened right in front of us -- good because we could at least see right away that Jamie was OK, but bad because...well, it pretty much sucks seeing your car getting wrecked no matter where it happens. We just seem to have the crappiest luck, and it's so frustrating. But I know that Jamie will get a win or two this season. I mean, we have to get a break eventually, right?

Garden -- My parents have tilled up a huge plot for our garden. I'm really excited. For the past couple of years, I've tried to garden here, but my yard is so shady, and the soil is horrible. I tried container gardening, but I just didn't get the yields I wanted. But this year, I'm doing most of my gardening at my parents'. I have big, big plans involving tons of organic veggies...I can't wait to get started! I really just want to simplify my life, and get to a point where I grow my own food. I've written about all this before -- grand plans of living off the land, sewing my own clothes, etc -- but I've never followed through. I have to start taking baby steps, though...right?

OK. I'm going to try to do something productive before I go to bed.

Maybe I should call my Avon representative...

2008-04-09T09:23:00.004-04:00

I'm really tired. I've been getting at least 8 hours of sleep every night (well, mostly), but I'm exhausted.

I should be on campus right now, parked in an adjunct cubicle (if one is available. There are about 100 adjuncts at my college, and 2 adjunct cubicles), but I had laundry to do. I'm also supposed to catch our stray cat, Herbie, and take her (I named her before I realized she was a girl) to the vet to get fixed. But vets give me such anxiety (every animal I take ends up dead soon after) that I keep putting it off. Ugh.

My MA Exam is set for May 2nd. The defense will take place sometime the following week. I've had a difficult time staying focused -- too much grading and prep work to do for school, and my dad has been having some medical issues. I really need to buckle down and just get my reading done. There just isn't enough time. And I've been so tired that I can't focus on my reading. Not good.

If I ever become rich, I'm going to hire a personal masseuse or chiropractor. I carry all of my stress in my neck, and it's painful. Also, it usually leads to a migraine. Ugh.

Hmmmm....pretty negative post so far. OK, something positive then. My father is clearing a bit of land for a garden this year. In the past, I've always had to garden half-ass (containers, mostly) here since most of my yard is too shady. But my parents have a great spot that will get sun most of the day. I'd love to get to a point where we're essentially living off of mainly what we grow (for those of you interested in such things, read Animal, Vegetable, Miracle by Barbara Kingsolver). In the end, I really just want to be a farmer, working the land (see Melanie Safka's song "Someday I'll be a farmer).

I'd better start reviewing my notes for class today...and work on grading the stack of papers that has overtaken my dining room table...

Has it really been a month?

2008-03-21T19:25:00.003-04:00

Life knocked me off my platforms
So I pulled out my first pair of boots
Bought on the street at Astor Place
Before New York was run by suits
And I suited up for the long walk
Back to myself
Closer to the ground now
With sorrow
And stealth
-- Ani DiFranco

Has it really been over a month since I've written? Did anyone miss me?

Today is the last day of my spring break. I'm not ready to return to classes. [Though I am semi-excited about teaching my one class a lesson for calling my class "too feminist."] I've been sick for the past week, and I haven't done a thing aside from rest, really. Which is good. But I have a super long to-do list that I haven't addressed at all. I haven't even really read anything, aside from a little bit of Exam reading. Ugh.

Other than the sickness, life is good. OK, well, weird, really. Hence the Ani quote above. But I think things are looking up. I think. We'll see.

Racing season starts soon. Same car, new number.
I can't wait.

OK. Time to be a good housewife and get dinner ready.

No excitement here...

2008-02-18T10:00:00.002-05:00

Sorry for being silent last week. I had a migraine...all week. Yes, that's right. I had a migraine for 6 days. I couldn't focus or read, and I wanted to chop my head off. Nothing worked -- prescription migraine meds, Excedrin, hot baths, cold compresses, chiropractor visit -- nothing. I ended up canceling classes on Thursday because I just couldn't deal, and I felt so nauseous. I think it's gone now. But it could just be teasing me.

Had an uneventful weekend. We stayed home, and I just chilled in my comfy chair. I managed to read a little of the new Stephen King on Saturday. I went grocery shopping yesterday...I know, very exciting.

I don't have school today, thankfully. I'm going to get caught up on grading and prepping. Good times.

TBR Challenge -- 1 and 2 Finished

2008-02-18T09:37:00.003-05:00

I'm a bit late in blogging about these...

#1: The House of the Seven Gables by Nathaniel Hawthorne
Finished: 1/7/08
Rating: B

I'm a big fan of Hawthorne's work -- I count The Scarlet Letter as one of my favorite books of all time. I adore his short stories and include them in my classes whenever I can. But for some reason, even though I had visited the real life house in Salem (highly recommend to anyone who visits there...I love Salem), I ignored this novel for years. Hence, adding it to my TBR Challenge list.

It was...OK. It didn't hold my attention in some chapters, and I was confused by some of the supernatural elements. But there were some sections that were just spectacular. The classic Hawthorne elements are there -- the past haunting the present, witchcraft, guilt, families suffering because of the deeds of their ancestors, etc. If you're new to Hawthorne, check out The Scarlet Letter first.

#2: The 158-Pound Marriage by John Irving
Finished: 1/21/08
Rating: D

I adore John Irving. I re-read A Prayer for Owen Meany every year (yes, I'm weird). I love The Cider House Rules and The World According to Garp. So I thought I'd love this one, too. Nope. Not at all.

The sex and swinging in the novel didn't bother me, though it was a bit much at times. I just didn't get the point. I think Irving was examining love, marriage, sex, relationships, etc...but I don't know what the point was. It was a struggle to finish the book, really. It was just a klunker.

Monday already?

2008-02-11T11:04:00.000-05:00

I'm not ready for it to be Monday. Especially a Monday that starts off with a migraine and a clogged toilet. Seriously, what did I do to deserve this?

As usual, I have no time for a real post. I have to prep for my class this afternoon (yes, I'm a slacker) and grade papers for tomorrow. Because of the migraine, my eyes are killing me, so the last thing I want to do is look at a computer screen or read papers.

Had an OK weekend. Had yummy Thai food on Saturday, spent time with my parents on Sunday, started the new Stephen King novel...good times.

Back to work...

That's why we build a wall...

2008-02-08T17:46:00.000-05:00

I've been sitting here for about fifteen minutes, munching on cashews and peanuts, staring at this blank box, wondering what to write. I'm not sure I have anything to say today. When my students say that same thing in response to a write assignment, I suggest that they freewrite or brainstorm (clusters are my favorite). Maybe I should do the same.

Maybe the problem isn't that I have nothing to say, but rather I don't know what to say. My little brain has been very active all week, thoughts mixing and twisting with the tide as I teach, eat, watch tv, grade, etc. There's a lot going on. I just don't know what to say about it.

Our trip to Ithaca last weekend to see Ani was a good time. She just blows me away every time I see her. We had second row seats -- I don't know how I got so lucky. I'm not so sure I belong at concerts anymore, though. I get so easily annoyed by the people dancing and singing around me. I didn't pay to hear the drunk girl in the "Ani for President" shirt sing painfully off-key in my ear. It just pissed me off. I guess I'm just getting old.

Anais Mitchell opened for Ani. It was my first time seeing/hearing her, and I just fell in love with her voice. When she stepped onstage, I realized that she was the girl I almost ran over while trying to make an illegal right turn on red in front of the theater before the show.

Since one of her songs has been in my head all week, I'll leave you with this...

I feel...

2008-02-01T13:47:00.000-05:00

Well, today didn't turn out (so far) like I expected it to. Which is good and bad.

My advisor woke me up at 8am (yes, I'm slacker). She called to cancel our appointment for this afternoon. We're having some weather (ice, rain) and she wasn't going to campus today. This was a good thing. I wasn't prepared or in the mood to meet today.

The bad thing is that due to the weather Chad and I decided not to leave for Ithaca tonight. From what I can tell, the roads we were due to travel are pretty crappy. And I don't feel like dying. So as much as I was looking forward to chilling in Ithaca tonight, I think we made the right choice. We'll get up early (always difficult for us) and hit the road.

I haven't done anything productive at all today. I've just been putting cd's on my iPod (currently The Sundays, whom I haven't listened to in years). I really should take advantage of this found time to get caught up on my Plath reading...and grading...and prepping...

You know...life is weird. There are moments I want to pinch myself to make sure I'm not dreaming. I have everything (well, almost...I still need to get published) I ever wanted. I'm teaching where I always wanted to, working with folks that I admire. Every time the Dept Chair calls me his colleague, or tells people that I'm a "phenomenal professor" (which I suspect he does only when I'm around), it makes me giggle. I mean, I used to be his student. And now I'm a colleague.

I just wish I could get rid of that little voice who wonders if I truly deserve all of this.

OK. I'm going to get to work. Title of the new poem I'm working on: "Mourning Bacon."

Am I that old?

2008-01-28T18:44:00.000-05:00

My Comp II class is reading "Greasy Lake" by T.C. Boyle for Wednesday. Part of their journal assignment is to listen to Bruce Springsteen's "Spirit in the Night" and compare it to the story.

At the end of class today, one student asked me who Bruce Springsteen was. And I laughed. Then, I heard a chorus of "Yeah, who is that?" from several other students. I stopped laughing when I realized they were serious.

How can they not know who Bruce Springsteen is?

Can I go back to bed now?

2008-01-28T10:50:00.000-05:00

I've had a nasty cold for the past week or so. The first few days were bearable -- just a very sore throat and head congestion. The sore throat is gone, and the congestion is now in my chest. And it hurts like hell, especially when I cough. I just want to go back to bed.

Thankfully, I only have to teach one class today. We're going over two stories ("A Rose for Emily" by Faulkner and "The Yellow Wallpaper" by Gilman) that always generate a lot of discussion, so hopefully I'll just have to guide them to make sure they hit all of the important stuff. I can endure an hour and twenty minutes.

[I just saw a commercial on NBC -- they're bringing Knight Rider back??]

I still can't rest when I come home, though. I have to stop at the grocery store after school. When I come home, I have to prep for tomorrow (two different classes), and make dinner (new falafel recipe). Ugh.

Had an OK weekend. Went to our friend's annual Burns Supper on Saturday. Within 15 minutes of arriving, I wanted to leave because I was surrounded by women who were either pregnant or just had a baby. While I was happy for (most of) them, it just drove me insane. We've been trying to decide for a while (years) when it would be a good time to have a baby. It seems that everyone else just does it without much thought. I know I'm generalizing here, and I'm sure they do think about it, but...fuck. Why is it so difficult for us to just do it?

Ugh. I'd better get back to work...

But I'm not ready yet!

2008-01-16T11:14:00.000-05:00

Today is my first day back at school. I only have one class (2-3:20pm), so it's not that bad. But I'm not ready to go back! I want another week to lounge around in my sweatpants & comfy Pufnstuf t shirt.

I really should just take a shower and go to campus now so that I have time to make copies and such. Yup, that's what I should do.

More later...

All is quiet...

2008-01-01T19:57:00.000-05:00

Had a quiet New Year's Eve. I spent the day trying to finish 8 novels so that I could meet my goal of 50 books for the year (I fell short by 6). When the husband came home, we ate too much and watched tv (mostly the South Park marathon). Even though we stocked up at the liquor store, we each only had 1 drink. I just wasn't in the mood.

So, of course I've made the obligatory resolutions for 2008...

1. Read at least 60 books by midnight on 12/31/08. (Feel free to comment with suggestions)
2. Graduate in May with my M.A.
3. Grade assignments within 2 days of receipt.
4. Have a spine, and stick to my policies (especially late policy) on syllabus.
5. Write (or revise) every day.
6. Submit poems for publication at least once a month.
7. Spend less time on the computer or watching tv.
8. Spend less!
9. Be more positive (this will be difficult)
10. Lose weight (is there anyone who doesn't have this on their list?)

I think that's enough to work on. Husband and I also made a list together that mainly deals with our new eating habits. We eat out too often (I'm too lazy to cook when he gets home late), and we want to move toward a more vegetarian (or maybe pescetarian) lifestyle.

Off to watch The Biggest Loser...

Books

2007-12-31T12:50:00.000-05:00

Every year, I set a reading goal for myself -- I never reach it. This year, it was 50 books. I'm 8 short. Hmpf.

In 2008, I'm participating in a TBR (To-Be-Read) Challenge. I have to choose 12 books that have been languishing on my shelves, waiting to be read. Here's my list (to be read in no particular order):

1. House of Leaves by Mark Z. Danielewski
2. Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen
3. As I Lay Dying by William Faulkner
4. The Book of Illusions by Paul Auster
5. The Dharma Bums by Jack Kerouac
6. Ironweed by William Kennedy
7.The 158-Pound Marriage by John Irving
8. The House of the Seven Gables by Nathaniel Hawthorne
9. 1984 by George Orwell
10. The Lone Ranger and Tonto Fistfight in Heaven by Sherman Alexie
11. Fluke by Christopher Moore
12. Black Boy by Richard Wright

Alternates:
1. Sense and Sensibility by Jane Austen
2. Maggie Cassidy by Jack Kerouac
3. Northanger Abbey by Jane Austen
4. Adam Bede by George Eliot
5. Naked Lunch by William S. Burroughs

I'm looking forward to getting started!

Choosing to feel sorry for myself...

2007-09-25T12:11:00.000-04:00

I'm tired. TIRED. Tired to the point where I couldn't focus while teaching this morning. I stumbled my way through two of the poems scheduled...I just wanted it to end. The students were tired, and weren't helping me out at all. Things started to liven up a bit when we discussed Donne's "The Flea" and Marvell's "To His Coy Mistress." Apparently, sex poems wake up students. Unfortunately, I can't do that all semester.

I'm having a difficult time keeping my Basic Writing students interested. I've tried different fun writing exercises like sending them out of class to find either something very gross or very beautiful to practice writing descriptions. That was successful in one of my classes, flopped in the other.

I just feel like I bore my students. Maybe I do. Maybe it's just that they're not awake. Or they don't care. It's probably not completely me...right?

News

2007-08-15T09:59:00.001-04:00

I have no focus to write a real entry, so here are just two bits of news...

*I got a call from the English Dept. Head (former professor, all around fantastic human being) at the community college on Monday. He asked if I would be willing to teach 3 classes in the fall, and I had to tell him that I haven't graduated yet. But he didn't care! So I'm teaching two sections of Developmental Writing, and one section of Comp II. I'm going to pick up the textbooks today so that I can start planning -- classes start Sept. 4th.

*Knowlton Riverfest http://www.knowlton-fest.com/
I'll be reading my poetry there on Sunday afternoon along with a bunch of super-talented students from the community college.

I know where I'm going...and it ain't where I've been

2007-07-17T16:35:00.000-04:00

I can't believe it's mid-July already. I'm at a point where I know what I'm doing every weekend for the rest of the summer, which makes me a little sad. I feel like there's so much more fun I want/need to have.

So what have I been doing? Still working for the insurance broker 15 hours or so a week from home. Going to the races almost every weekend. Working in my garden (ok, they're mostly in containers this year). Learning about homesteading, eating locally, and self-sufficiency.

I've spent the past two afternoons baking zucchini bread. At least once a day, I kick myself for not learning more from my grandmother before she died. I wouldn't have had to try 3 different bread recipes from the internet. I'd know how to can & preserve things. I'd know how & when to plant vegetables. But I took her for granted, and never thought about what I'd do without her. So I'm learning it all on my own. And kicking myself for not buying her farm when it was sold 5 years ago.

It makes me sad whenever we drive by the farm. I avoid it whenever I can, but lately Dad's been taking that route on the way to the races when we go to South Jersey. I tell him that I don't like going that way because of the Narrows (narrow [duh] one lane road smooched between railroad tracks and mountain rocks) but I really just don't like driving by the farm. It is, and will always be, my favorite place in the world. And it breaks my heart that I'll never set foot on that property again.

My veggies are coming along, though I'm far behind most folks in my area since I got them in so late. But I've learned so much this summer that I'm not disappointed. I've picked out a plot of lawn that I'm going to 'till up for a larger garden next year. And I've got plenty of seeds leftover for next year since I bought way too many this season.

I'm still debating on whether or not I want to finish my thesis or continue teaching. I'm so far removed from the girl I used to be...and I'm happier. We'll see.

Now, I have to try to figure out how to make the brown sugar frosting Nanny used to put on her zucchini bread.

Oomph

2007-05-30T14:59:00.000-04:00

I really should be at the library right now, but this recliner is too comfy to leave. I thought about going to B&N...but I really should buy any non-thesis books until the thesis is finished. Which might be never.

I've been in college for 14 years. There have been many schools (I transferred a few times), a few majors (business, history, then English), but I never took a break. Not even over the summer, until this one. I was passionate about literature and scholarship, determined to get my PhD. I wanted the cushy professor's office with stacks of books everywhere. I wanted students to line up at my door to chat because I inspired them. I wanted to spend hours researching and writing journal articles.

Not anymore.

I want to be what I used to think sucked the life out of women -- a housewife. I want to cook, bake, clean, do laundry, raise our children, grow a garden, and wear an apron around the house.
I want a more peaceful life. I want the life my grandmother had. Not necessarily the nine children, though. But I would love a farm.

I just wish I could find enough oomph right now to just finish my thesis and graduate. Then I can be a housewife if that's still what I want.

Anyone have some spare oomph?